A new week again and a new challenge. :)
In case you haven't understood what I did in the poem, concentrate on the words at the ending of each line. :)
For me, these challenges are a way to learn writing. And I wanted to try a new style of poetry and do it properly, unlike the haiku I messed up last week. :(
Reading the post in YeahWrite I came across the word tritina and saw that it was a poetry form. Luckily I did not have to search for the details about it. The site had a wonderfully easy explanation Here.
I am not really sure if this meets the exact standards but I did give it a try and I am happy about it.
Red
I am not really sure if this meets the exact standards but I did give it a try and I am happy about it.
Red
As I pause to smell the rose,
the sky turned a glorious shade of red,
and across the clouds flew a bird.
Landing on a tree, chirped the bird;
swaying to the gentle breeze, the rose
began to paint my garden with red.
Oh! who knew the colors of red,
shimmering in wings of the bird,
would compete with the marvel of the rose.
As I hold the rose, blood drips red; and the bird swoops down to taste the blood.
In case you haven't understood what I did in the poem, concentrate on the words at the ending of each line. :)
I enjoyed how you used repetition from stanza to stanza - red, bird, rose. So lovely.
ReplyDeleteReally love the line: Oh! who knew the colors of red,
Something to think about in the second line of the second stanza. The comma gives the reader pause and then the words "the rose" feel like they belong to the next thought. To me, it made it feel like it flowed differently from the rest of the piece and took me out for a moment.
Great imagery! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you:)
DeleteYou got it right. 'The rose' does belong to the thought of the next line. I had to adjust it to fit the tritina form.
Kudos to you for attempting a tritina. I've never had luck with the form myself.
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering if you picked your own three words or asked someone to give them to you. Bird seems to have been tricky for you. "Chirped the bird" seems forced. Also, I would have preferred that you the last line said "... the bird swoops down to taste it." I know the example at yeah write has the last line ending with the third word but it doesn't have to. It just needs to follow word 1 and word 2.
You have several lovely images in this poem. Keep up the good work!
I don't know where my first reply vanished!
DeleteThank you so much for the valuable feedback. :)
I did pick the words on my own though bird was not in the list. It made a forceful entry and refused to leave the poem. ;)
For the last line I initially wrote 'the bird swoops down.." then changed it as I thought 'bird' had to be at the last. Thank you for clearing that confusion. :)
P.S: Edited it in the poem.
I really l8ve the third stanza. I liked the sound and feel of it. Emotion and I could visualize it. I don't usually write poetry but Fortuna is one I have tried and liked
ReplyDeleteThank you so much :)
ReplyDeleteThe tritina is one of my very favorite forms - I love that you gave it a try! You got the form down, though as Cyn said a couple of the lines felt a little forced ("chirped the bird"). That's the trick, of course - using the words in a way that sounds natural. You paint some beautiful, striking images, though, and that third stanza is really lovely.
ReplyDeleteThank you. :) I am going to keep working on it.
DeleteOh, my response seems to have vanished for some weird reason. Well done on attempting a tritina! It's a harder form than it seems, no? (I've foolishly promised Rowan I'd write one at some point and I'm nervous).
ReplyDeleteOh yes! It definitely is not easy and we do need a lot of practice to get a decent poem. :)
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